Secret Stash 225

 I've never wanted something so bad in this life. It is almost as if I am manic. I've lost my mind... "I've lost my mind doing this doing this sht. Like Vincent van Gogh. He dedicated his life to his art and lost his mind in the process. That's happened to me. But f--k it."   -The Notorious      Every second of everyday is dedicated towards this one goal. I train and study every waking second until my mind is mush. Until every fiber in my being is screaming for me to stop. Until the people around me beg me to tone it back- then I keep going. We are more capable than we believe, and now, I finally get a glimpse of it. I've squandered many years with half-assed effort, but no more. The goal is all I think about now. It wakes me up every morning and keeps me up every night. Everything else in life on hold. Let's fucking get it.

Greetings old friend, I have returned once more. Much has happened in the past months, and although they may not be recorded in writing, they will be remembered in eternity. It is nearing the 12 month mark from when I started my journey, and I will admit this has been the longest school year of my life. Now is not the time to recap though. Finish strong. I have 47 days to climb a mountain higher than any that I've ever attempted. May God give me the strength to carry through upon this goal. For the next month or so, I will dedicate every waking moment of my life into this.  UpToDate and Amboss articles at every open opportunity. Anki for each second of downtime. Divine Intervention will grace these ears for the next month. And then... the questions. Practice, practice, practice questions! I will do them all - until there are none left to do. Every question bank, every practice test. I will scour the earth until there is none left. Not a drop of dopamine will be wasted on anything o...

Greetings to the future, It has been a while old friend. My hiatus has finally come to an end, for I have found my way again. All is well in the world. I have found the path that must be walked. A reason for the struggle. An end to the road. A why. I have found it once more. I know what I want in this life. This dream now keeps me up at night and has me leaping out of bed before the sunrise. When we wander aimlessly, no amount of motivation can carry us through the storm. A ship with no direction will never reach the port.  I will do everything it takes to get what is mine. I will do great things. I promise you. Remember this day. 1 year to make it happen. WE RE BACK BABY! LETS GET IT "What we do in this life echoes in eternity." -Gladiator II

Yo future, time really flies. Here's a tip: cherish your folks when you're around. Always appreciate the moment because I've been taking it for granted. "Hey Google, play some sad music." --- Driving home... like I did more than 1000 times before. Same old gas station on the corner. A beat up gravel road that I knew too well. Dusty basketball goal at the end of the driveway. But some reason it was all different this time. When did it change?? Truth is I barely noticed never appreciated it till now. I've been away too much.  There were no dogs racing my car, only a trail of my own dust. The stretching fields once scattered with horses are now empty. Neighbors who use to wave from the porch - gone. Haven't seen Mr. H walk his dog anymore either.  Even the trees are different - some gone, some that just came out of no where (when did those even get there?). That basketball goal is still there. Damn... the memories I built here... who knew that one...

Yo future me, the times have been well.  Normally, I record the major highs and lows of life but recently its just been a steady grind. I wanted to write today to get a snapshot in time. I don't want these months to be lost in time. Turn on some Chance Peña and reminisce the days now will ya I remember the first day at the H was both anxiousness and excitement -did you know, the human brain cannot tell the difference. No one knew what to expect. Placed in a cohort of maybe more than a dozen. After 6 weeks of scrambling around the hospital through early mornings and late nights, today I call many of them brothers. Its the little things you remember. Like us sprinting to the cafeteria 5 minutes before it closes so we don't starve to death on the night shift. Roaming around trying to figure out where to go. Some days were so busy that we didn't even feel the time while others dragged like a bag of sand. On the random chance that we got off early, it felt like a holiday CHRISTM...

Today is one of those days. A day I will remember forever. I have seen it. I have seen what some people willingly go through. The struggle. The suffering. The losses. Just for an opportunity.... An opportunity that us bozos take for granted everyday. Imagine traveling thousands of miles on foot across deserts, swamps, jungles, and unknown territory. Imagine people trying to hunt you down everyday. Imagine losing half of your family along the way. Imagine not knowing a damn person in your city, not to mention no one speaks your language. Now imagine.... despite all these struggles, all you care about is doing well in school so you can make it. Your one goal is to grind until you have a life that makes everything worth it. I was beyond humbled to witness such a story. My dedication to my craft is like a mole hill to a mountain in comparison to this individual's commitment to theirs. In the same way, there's probably a kid somewhere on the other side of the world who is your exact...

Update: Greetings Future Me, I am 3 weeks into the new year, and all is well. Each day is filled with possibility. I will write more upon this soon, but today, I must write about a new development- the real story behind the fall of the iron soldier. I love me a redemption story.  Turn on some Billie E --- Over these past 2 years, bro always had it worse than me. For every struggle that I suffered, he suffered 1000. Though most were self-inflicted, it was needed. Each obstacle was a lesson to learn from, a curriculum that should have been taught long before. Bro's family had left town, his og circle was a line... of snakes, and he had no true mentor to look upon. A troubled up bringing that sought an approval that would never be given. Thus, clinging to anything and anyone, but trying too hard only pushes them away. Sitting there empty handed. Humor was only an escape, a guise to appear happy. Surrounded by people but always alone. Bitterness ensued. Arrogance and disdain became the...